"A kiss isn't the truth, but it's what we wish were true."-Steve Martin
After a few weeks of getting used to 7th year, Ginny finally settled into a routine that made sense. She would do her Head Girl duties in the early morning and then late in the afternoon on days when she didn�t have Quidditch practice. She would catch a light meal in the Great Hall and then she would return to either her room or the library to study. Thankfully, since her only major class was Potions and the bulk of her time was spent staring at gray clouds in glass orbs, her homework was not as heavy as it should have been. Still, it was amazing how fast the time sped by when you weren�t really noticing. It was already time for the first Quidditch match of the season- Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff, and although Ginny had no doubt her team would be victorious, she was approaching the oncoming game with a great deal of ambivalence.
She reckoned that had everything to do with a certain Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and nothing to do with a waning interest in Quidditch.
Since that first night, her and Harry had gone out of their way not to be alone together. It was through Neville that they spoke and it was Neville that kept them together. Ginny was confused most of the time about the whole thing. She wasn�t sure if she should give into the urge to ask Harry if he had made up his mind about her yet and she wasn�t sure if she should just ignore him and be done with it.
It also didn�t help that a couple of the boys had been asking her out either.
She tried to politely decline, stating a need to study, or a need to practice Quidditch. But she realized she was getting a reputation as a girl who always said no to everyone and that bothered her more than she would have liked. She didn�t have Hermione�s inner resolve to be the best student in the world, social life be damned! When the weekend rolled around and the couples paired up, she admitted to herself that she hated being alone. There were plenty of nice boys willing to be surer in their feelings for her- why was she wasting her time waiting for Harry?
It was because of the little voice in the back of her mind. That little voice that whispered Harry�s name as she fell asleep, that little voice that made her watch him as he crossed the Great Hall every morning or sneak glances as they ate together at dinner. It was that voice that told her she loved him and wanted to be with him and it was that voice that was driving her to distraction.
It was a distraction that was causing her problems with Trelawny. Apparently if a seer was clouded or worried about something, they couldn�t �see� properly. It blocked her resources or stunted her inner eye. Ginny wasn�t sure which. Truth of the matter was, she hadn�t had a good sense or vision of things since school had started and Trelawny was starting to grow unbelievably smug. So smug in fact, that Ginny had had enough of it.
�My dear child if you do not try to clear your head, nothing will ever-�
�My head is clear.�
�Hmm... yes, I can tell by your aura how clear it is. If only you could see yourself, my dear... colors all askew and waves around your head. Really, the most detrimental thing for a seer is to let the mundane world get to her-�
�I�m a bloody 7th year student who�s a Head Girl, a Quidditch Captain and in the midst of getting ready for mid-terms and-�
�My dear, if these mundane, worldly things mean so much to you, I am afraid you will never make good on the promise Dumbledore insisted he saw in you. I am afraid you are wasting my time-�
�Wasting your time?! Do you think I like spending three hours a day with you, sitting here in this stifling room, staring at stupid glass orbs and constantly being told how inferior a seer I am?�
Trelawny had looked at her then- a baleful, superior look and Ginny had snapped. She had grabbed up her books and left the Divination room, a full hour earlier than required. She had never looked back and had let her anger carry her through the North Tower, pushing into straggling students and ghosts alike. She didn�t even feel it when she had walked straight through the floating form of the Fat Friar. She had made it all the way out to the edge of the property, all the way out to Hagrid�s old hut before she had calmed down and now here she was- sitting on a large boulder and feeling miserable.
Mum�s not going to like hearing about me walking out on a Professor, even if it was old Trelawny, she thought to herself. Lost in her own misery, she didn�t even hear the footsteps behind her.
Harry was enjoying teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. He couldn�t believe it, but he was. It reminded him of when they had started the D.A., except this time it was legal, he was allowed to spend time working out lessons and class schedules. After the initial awe most of his students had in his presence, they were finally settling into accepting him as a real person and not as a myth. All in all, it was a very rewarding experience.
Except seeing Ginny everywhere, even though he didn�t have to teach her directly, was nerve-wracking. Neville had become his closest friend among the teaching staff because they were both the youngest and the most inexperienced. Although Neville did his time of being an apprentice to Professor Sprout the year before, he and Harry were basically in the same boat. Since Neville also seemed to have an interest in Ginny, she somehow became a part of their daily evening meals. The two of them would forsake the Staff table and join her at the Gryffindor one. Highly irregular, Harry had no doubt McGonagall was thinking to herself, but it was an irregularity he knew she was willing to allow the three of them.
Ginny, for her part, seemed to have put their first awkward night behind her, and while she didn�t ignore Harry at dinnertime, she also didn�t go out of her way to talk to him either. They both settled into a social accord born of talking through Neville by mutual silent agreement. And it would be fine, too, if only Harry wasn�t slowly going crazy because of it.
Being back at Hogwarts had brought up a lot of memories for him, memories that he thought he had come to terms with but apparently hadn�t. He missed seeing Ron and Hermione around, and even though they were only an owl away, he didn�t feel like bothering them in their semi-domestic bliss. He missed Dumbledore and he missed Hagrid most of all. Each had played their part in the war against Voldemort and each had lost their lives. In fact, each had lost their lives for him.
It was because of those sacrifices, the sacrifices that he had never asked for, never felt he deserved, that he felt unable to pursue anything with Ginny. It wasn�t just because she was younger than he was or that she was Ron�s little sister. Not really. Ron had made his acceptance of any possible feelings Harry might have towards Ginny perfectly clear. No, it went deeper than that and Harry had no idea how to express the growing realization within him that he would never be able to love Ginny. At least, not the way that she deserved to be loved.
But that didn�t stop him from noticing the young men that followed her around or spoke with her. It didn�t stop him from noticing the flush of her skin, the warmth in her eyes or the way her laugh could fill the air- so joyous and contagious. It didn�t stop him from wanting to be with her in every way possible. It was this last bit that was proving the most difficult to control.
Dumbledore had told him once that his gift in life was love. That because of his mother�s sacrifice, he was filled with an understanding of that emotion that few people could claim to have. Harry didn�t know what good it did him- to know love so well that it stopped you from acting on impulses most other young men would jump on. Harry knew that were he a normal man, flattered by the attention of someone as charming as Ginny, their relationship would have been consummated ages ago.
But he cared too much about her family to do that.
He didn�t deserve Ginny�s affections, he never had. What had he ever done to deserve such caring and attention? Had he ever gone out of his way to be nice to her? No. Had he ever done one thing for her that had been completely unmotivated by extenuating circumstances? No, again. Any relationship he could start with her would be purely physical and he was fairly sure Ron and the rest of the Weasley�s wouldn�t be accepting of that.
He couldn�t tell Ginny he was physically attracted to her and then tell her that�s all it was. First, she would probably tell him where to get off and second, it would soil their already tenuous friendship and Harry didn�t fancy going through the rest of the school year with Ginny hating him.
There was nothing to do, he reckoned, then to just keep those thoughts to himself and be done with it. They would just have to keep their distance from each other until Ginny moved on to someone else and he could just consider her a lovely distraction.
Yes. A lovely distraction. One that he now saw running out of the castle and onto the grounds. A lovely distraction that looked distraught over something and was red in the face as she half-walked, half-ran towards Hagrid�s old hut. Frowning from his seat near the first floor windows in the library, Harry got up and went after her.
He should have known to leave things well enough alone.
�Ginny?�
Ginny started, broken out of her gloomy thoughts and turned around to see Harry walking towards her. His cheeks were red from the cold and his hair was wind blown and sticking up in the back. He looked perfect.
Oh great, just what I need right now, she thought to herself and forced her face into a polite smile.
�I saw you come out and you looked upset. What�s wrong?�
�Nothing, Harry. I�m fine. Thanks.�
Even to Ginny, her voice sounded false and thin.
Harry drew closer to her, concern on his face and Ginny felt a tiny bit of her heart begin to thaw. It was all she needed. She launched into the whole story.
�Trelawny is a terrible old bat who couldn�t seer her way out of a closet. She�s self-righteous and contemptuous of me and she�s constantly telling me how wrong I am and how I shouldn�t worry about mundane things and how I�m blocking my inner eye with all these trifles. And meanwhile I have Snape breathing down my neck about Potions, Quidditch practice to supervise and boys asking me out and letters from Mum telling me to behave myself! As if I was getting up to anything here! Here, where I live like a nun and all I can really think about, all I can ever really truly want is you, Harry. You!�
Ginny was breathing hard after her outburst and suddenly realized what she had just said. She brought her hands up to her mouth as though to take it back and felt herself turn red. Harry was just staring at her, his mouth slightly open in shock.
�Oh. I�m sorry, Harry. I didn�t mean it.�
She turned around and fled around the side of Hagrid�s hut, to get away, to hide from those green eyes that stirred something deep inside of her.
She propped herself up against the brick of the back wall and felt the tears tumbling out of her eyes. She hadn�t meant to tell him all of that, no most certainly not, and now that she had, she felt as small as a Billywig. She wiped at her face with her hand and held her head in her hands.
�Here... take this.�
Ginny looked up and saw that Harry had followed her. His eyes were kind and his tone was gentle and he was offering her a handkerchief to dry her eyes. After a moment, she accepted it, a brief smile of gratefulness crossing her features.
Harry stood next to her, resting his weight on the wall next to her. He looked out into the Forbidden Forest and Ginny watched as his eyes focused on something she couldn�t see, something that was within his own mind. She blew her nose and wiped away the tears that stained her cheeks. She felt foolish. A long moment stretched in to a quiet silence. She was about to turn away from him when he spoke, his voice quiet in the early winter air.
�Did I ever tell you I thought I had died that night? When Voldemort grabbed me and our spells connected with each other and we fell, near the Veil? Did I ever tell you a large part of me was happy that it was finally over?�
�Harry, I... No. You never told me.�
�I was happy, Ginny. I was happy to be dead. Not because I had defeated him, but because it was over. I didn�t care... in that millisecond, in that tiny fraction of time, I didn�t care about saving the world or even saving myself, I just wanted it to be over and out of my hands. Let someone else be the chosen one, let someone else be the murderer. I gladly welcomed the darkness of death... I was so tired of fighting.�
Ginny didn�t know what to say, his voice sounded so haunted. But she waited in silence, sensing that he wasn�t done talking.
�Do you know what saved me, Ginny?�
Ginny frowned and blinked. �It was us... arriving with reinforcements. I�d had that vision and we�d known he�d taken you and we knew where to go and Remus and Kingsley were so strong and Moody was all over the place and the Death Eaters ran when they saw Dumbledore�s ghost materialize and you jumped up and you finished Voldemort, you pushed him into the veil-�
�Well, you�re sort of right.�
�What do you mean?�
Harry smiled at her then, a tender smile that made her heart beat faster.
�It was seeing you. Voldemort had told me he had killed you and even though I shouldn�t have believed him, I did, and I couldn�t believe it when I saw you and Ron and Hermione and everyone else and I suddenly understood what it meant to be alive, that there was something still worth fighting for and I felt how much you all loved me... how much you, loved me.�
Ginny stared at him and he held her eyes. She wasn�t sure that she understood what he was trying to tell her.
�I�ve always known how you felt about me, Ginny. Even before that night. I�m not sure what I thought about it- you were Ron�s sister, after all, and for a long time you were so shy around me and then you weren�t, but I still didn�t pay you any attention. Too many things going on then, too many things going on inside here,� he said as he jerked a thumb to his chest. � I reckon I thought you had moved on, you went out with Michael and then Dean and then later, after everything was over and Voldemort was defeated, you were just there for me, all around me. And I could never understood why I deserved to have you care about me... I could never understand why you would still bother.�
�Harry-�
�See, because I had done what I had been prophesized to do- I had gotten rid of Voldemort and for the first time I didn�t have his presence looming over me and the rest of my life seemed open to me in a way it had never been before. But then again, I was also just Harry again. Just Harry Potter, boy-wizard grown up and murderer of the darkest wizard in an age and I thought, who would want to be with me after all of that? I know more than anyone else, how powerful and how beautiful love is, Ginny. So I can�t seem to understand why you�ve chosen to waste yours on me. I�m not worthy of it... I never have been. From the time my mother gave her life to protect me to the sacrifices other people have done, I have never been worthy of it. I�m not sure anyone ever could be.�
Ginny felt her heart swell inside of her and she couldn�t believe that Harry thought he wasn�t worthy of her attention. So many feelings were running through her that she didn�t know where to begin. She did the only thing that made sense in her mind.
Reaching out, she pulled him closer to her and stood on her tiptoes. She brushed the hair off of his forehead and glanced at the bareness of the skin there- no mark to show where the scar had been. But she knew he would always remember where it had been, because she would always remember where it had been. With a small smile, she leaned in and put her lips to his. A small, chaste kiss. She pulled back and made as though to put her arms around him, when he lowered his head and kissed her back. And this kiss was not small and it was not chaste and it was everything and all that Ginny had hoped it would ever be. She felt herself lag against him then and felt his arms work around her, pulling her closer. Ginny was let go into all that was Harry. He tasted like the cold air and the sun and she was spinning out of control and he was holding her down by the mere pressure of his lips on hers. She never wanted it to end.
But like all good things, it did end. Harry pulled away from her and sighed and held her closer to him.
�I�m so sorry, Ginny.�
Ginny looked up at him in confusion. �Why are you sorry? For kissing me? For showing me in one perfect moment how you feel about me-�
Harry growled and then released her from his arms and he held her back, his expression dark. Ginny frowned.
�To you Ginny that kiss was more than it should have been... to me-�
�What are you trying to say, Harry? We just shared this incredible moment and I felt how much you cared for me. I... well... didn�t I?�
Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He slouched against the brick wall again and looked at her.
�I won�t lie and say I�m not attracted to you Ginny, you�re beautiful. But that�s all it is and it�s wrong of me to use your feelings for me to get something from you. You asked me at the start of term what my feelings for you were and I said I wasn�t sure. Well, I�m sure now and I know they�re only physical and you don�t deserve that.�
Ginny processed his words and shook her head. �I don�t understand, Harry. You love me, I felt it.�
�What you felt was a lie. I can�t love anyone, Ginny. Especially not you. Love is too much, it�s too precious. You deserve someone else... someone who won�t hurt you. I would only use you, Ginny. It would never be love between us.�
�Harry-�
�No! I�m sorry Ginny, I really am. But it is the truth. So I suggest you leave and run back up to the school and pretend this didn�t happen. Forget about me. For once and for all.�
Ginny stared at him and felt her heart clench inside of her chest. He was crazy... he was wrong. He loved her, she knew it. She reached out to touch him and he grabbed her hand, suddenly. She winced from the pain and she gasped when she saw the expression in his eyes and he kissed her again, but this time it was not beautiful, it was painful and harsh. His lips were rough and she felt as though she were choking and his other hand was clawing at her, moving under her robe and she pulled away as firmly as she could, years of Quidditch making her stronger than her small statue would belie. She felt a wave of power come off of Harry and it frightened her.
With a gasp, Ginny pulled free and stumbled back, her eyes stinging with fresh tears.
�Why are you doing this Harry?�
Harry took a step closer to her and his chest was rising fast with the intake of his breath.
�Go Ginny. Just go.�
�Harry-�
�Merlin�s sake, Ginny, just leave. Leave before I do something Ron would kill me for.�
Ginny�s eyes widened and she suddenly understood his meaning. She stumbled again and then turned. She looked over her shoulder and watched as he slumped back against the wall of the hut. She didn�t know it was the last time she would see him for many years.