Enjoy Chapter 4 :)
Harry arrived in London sometime in the afternoon. Thankful he only had two small bags and not a huge trunk to lug about, he made his way towards Diagon Alley with the hopes of finding a room to rent, or at the very least, a room at the Leaky Cauldron. He was about to make his way there when he heard his name being called across the station. Cursing, he turned around.
�Harry! We thought-
�That was you, mate. We were just seeing some clients-�
�Off and look and behold there you are, Mr. Harry Potter. But-�
�What are you doing back from Hogwarts so soon Harry? They implement an extra break for the students now? Given the Professor�s a bit of a holiday?�
Harry sighed and smiled wearily at George and Fred Weasley. Although he had been hoping to go unnoticed for awhile, he should have known that he would run into the Twins. Their base of operations was right down the road from the train, wasn�t it?
�Hi Fred, Hi George. What were you seeing clients about? Not more patent problems with the Skiving Snack boxes I hope?� Harry wanted to see if he could distract the twins long enough to slip away without answering a lot of questions.
Fred made a face in acknowledgement but George continued looking at him, narrowing his eyes.
�What�s going on Harry?�
�Nothing. I�ve just... had a change of plans, really. Decided to come back to London, continue with the Auror training.�
At this, both Fred and George raised an eyebrow. Harry suddenly felt grumpy again and wanted to get away. Whatever peace he had found on the train ride home had evaporated.
�Look, I�d really like to pop in and see Remus and tell him I�m back-�
As though sensing his discomfort and need to flee, each Weasley grabbed a hold of an arm, conveniently trapping him in the middle.
�Well, then,� said George, as they led him in the direction of the Leaky Cauldron, �Since it�s late in the day and most Ministry types, including the mighty Lupin, are heading home, you can join us for nip of something and tell us why you�re really back in town.�
�Yeah Harry,� Fred piped in, �We�re dying to know all about it, because Ginny told us you were having a great time in all her letters. So I�m assuming you have a good reason for leaving?�
Harry rolled his eyes and sighed. There was just no getting out of this.
�Oh, I can�t believe it.�
Hermione and Ginny were having dinner in Hermione�s new quarters. Since Hermione had not been expected until next week, McGonagall had already arranged for one of the other Professor�s to take over for Harry. Now since she was here, it would only be for the first day or so, until Hermione could get situated.
�No, I�m serious. That�s what he said!�
�Wonders will never cease, Hermione. I can�t believe you got my brother to admit that.�
Hermione smiled and blushed a little bit. Ginny could almost pretend that this was a day from the past and that they had been gossiping after class as they used to. Back when Ginny had better things to distract her than Harry bleedin� Potter. At the thought of him, Ginny frowned and put down the food she had been eating.
�What�s wrong? Has your food gone cold?�
�No. It�s fine. I�m full,� Ginny put down her plate and got up from the table. In just a few short hours Hermione had made her rooms into something livable. Already there were pictures cluttering the shelf over the fireplace and Ginny paused as she counted not ten but twelve photos of Hermione and Ron. For a couple that had been in denial about each other for so long, they sure were making up for lost time.
�How does Ron feel? I mean, you know, about you coming to live at the castle while he stays in London. Isn�t he going to burn your flat down or something?�
Hermione laughed. �Actually, Gin, your brother is better in the kitchen than I am. I think your mum rubbed off on him. Pity he never discovered the talent while he still had Potions, Snape would have loved him,� Hermione paused for a moment. �Well, okay... maybe not loved really, but he would have been impressed with Ron�s mixing ability. He amazes me with what he can-�
Ginny had bowed her head at one of the photos, her hand clutching at the mantle.
�Ginny, what�s wrong?�
Hermione got up and hugged her distraught friend and then looked up at the photo that had caused such a reaction. In it were her, Harry, Ron and Ginny. She remembered the day Colin Creevey had taken it- they had been happy and Ron and her were holding hands. As she remembered it, Ginny and Harry had been standing together, laughing about something. Now Harry was standing off to the side and a certain darkness had overcome his features. Picture Ginny looked about as miserable as the one in front of her did.
�I�m sorry, Gin. I should have left that one in the box. I know you�re still pretty tender about all of this-�
�I don�t want to be! I don�t want to look at pictures of Harry and see him scowling at me. I wish he�d never come back here. Why did he even bother if he was just going to leave at the first sign of difficulty?�
Hermione shook her head. �I don�t know Gin. I don�t think Harry planned on having such a strong reaction to being around you. I think he thought he could handle it.�
�He could have handled it if I weren�t a Weasley,� Ginny said bitterly.
�What do you mean, if you weren�t a Weasley?�
Ginny�s eyes blazed at Hermione. �I mean that if it weren�t for my family and Ron being his best mate I think Harry would have indulged his feelings for me. And part of me doesn�t care about that, Hermione. Part of me wants to have comforted him... parts of me wouldn�t have minded at being used.�
�Ginny you can�t-�
�Look, Hermione... you and Ron, you guys have something great. You�ve always been crazy about each other. Even when you were driving each other mad. Even when you pretended to love Viktor! Everyone knew it was just a matter of time before my brother finally got off his arse and told you he loved you. But with Harry... it�s... you should have seen his eyes, Hermione. He hates me. Maybe because I saved him, maybe because he had to save me, I don�t know.�
�Ginny, Harry does not hate you.�
Ginny thought about it a moment. �No, maybe not. That would be too powerful an emotion. What he feels is some underlying sense of gratitude and duty, because I�m Ginny Weasley- girl with the vision who saved his life. I�m the girl who�s the sister of his best mate and I�m the girl who�s loved him all his life. I�m the girl who�s loved him for who he is and not for what he�s done and he just can�t handle that.�
Ginny hung her shoulders in defeat. As soon as the words had left her mouth, she knew they were true. Harry was impossible of loving anyone because he didn�t love himself. This understanding, while it didn�t ease her pain any less, did help her make up her mind.
�Tell Ron to leave Harry alone, Hermione. Don�t have him go after him. Let him have a bit of peace and quiet.�
�But Ginny- Harry acted like a prat and-�
�Yes, but me having my big brother come swooping down on him, giving him the third degree isn�t going to make things better. Harry will still be gone and I�ll still be here, miserable at school. Besides, I can�t bear to think of Harry and Ron at a crossroads with each other. You know Ron, he�d probably want to fight for my honor or some such thing.�
Hermione conceded that she was probably right and hurriedly left to send off an owl to Ron. Ginny wasn�t sure exactly what Hermione had told Ron, but it had probably been enough to make him the tiniest bit angry. Ginny�s pride was such that she did not want to be the thing that came between Harry and her brother. She didn�t want to prove Harry right. She didn�t want to seem like a young girl calling home to her family to protect her.
She left a short note on Hermione�s desk, saying goodbye. She made her way back to her own room and pulled open the Potions homework that Snape had so ungraciously given her in the Great Hall earlier. As images of asphodel and bark weed floated in her mind, she was finally able to forget everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.
Ginny fell asleep later that night and she didn�t dream of Harry.
She didn�t dream at all.
Harry left a rather inebriated pair of Weasley Twins a few hours later. His mind felt foggy from the Ogden�s Firewhiskey and he needed to clear his head. The twins had been relentless in their questioning and Harry had did his best to maintain the same story throughout- he had just wanted to return to full-time training.
But now he was a bit unsure of where to go. He supposed he should have gotten a room but then the twins would have known exactly where he was at and Merlin save him, he didn�t want to be entertaining them every few days. He had left his bags with the bartender, with promises he would be back to pick them up after he was settled.
Making up his mind to accomplish at least one thing right, he headed toward Remus�s. He had no doubt his old teacher would be happy to see him. And he�d understand Harry�s decision to come back, more than anyone would.
�About time you showed up, Harry. Come on in.�
Harry frowned. This wasn�t the welcome back he expected. Blinking twice at the harsh light from inside Lupin�s doorway, he stumbled in.
�Er... sorry. Had a bit of a drink with Fred and George down at the Leaky Cauldron.�
Remus raised an eyebrow at him from the kitchen, but didn�t say anything. Harry watched as he put a kettle of tea over an open flame.
�I was hoping you would stop by here before seeing anyone else.�
Harry shrugged and looked around at the furniture and decided the sofa looked the least likely item to float away. Since Remus had been able to find steady work now, thanks to Arthur Weasley, the former Professor had been steadily furnishing his flat bit by bit. The big soft cushions of the sofa sank when you sat down. Harry had to admit it was his favorite piece.
�Here,� Remus said as he sat down next to him after a moment, �Drink this. How much Firewhiskey did you have, anyway?�
Harry blinked at him and then at the white cup that held the steaming liquid he was offering. They both seemed to be spinning.
�Er... some. A bit... quite a few, actually.�
Again Remus raised his eyebrow. He watched Harry as he took a sip of the tea and then moved across to the chair in front of him.
When Lupin didn�t say anything and simply continued watching him, Harry started feeling prickly. He defiantly placed the half-drank teacup down on the table.
�Is there something wrong, Remus?�
�I was just wondering if you were going to tell me the true reason of why you left Hogwarts in the middle of the night and not the cock and bull story you�ve probably told everyone else. We both know it�s not because of training.�
Harry made a face. �McGonagall owl you I suppose?�
Remus nodded. �She didn�t really go into it, but I got the feeling something had happened to inspire this sudden need to be hundreds of miles away from the school and its... students. Or maybe just one student in particular?�
Harry felt as though all his blood was rushing to his head.
�McGonagall inferred all that, did she? Bloody mastermind of writing between the lines, she is,� Harry said grumpily.
�McGonagall cares about you Harry, as do I. As do a lot of people. I had hoped being at Hogwarts would help you come to terms with some things. But it seems as though you�ve chosen to run away from them.�
Harry felt himself getting angry and he couldn�t help it. Why were people so intent on him facing the past? Hadn�t he done that already? Hadn�t he spent the last year of his life trying to get it back together?
�Look, what happened was something that shouldn�t have and I didn�t want certain people to get the wrong idea about me being there. I didn�t want to have to deal with the emotions of someone I have no right to. So call me a coward, Remus. But don�t look at me as though I�ve disappointed you. You told me to try teaching... to see if I liked it, you said. Well I didn�t like it and I�m back and that should bloody well be good enough for you.�
�Harry, I�m not disappointed in you. I just want you to be sure that you�ve made the right decision here. Leaving because of someone else and not because you want to is not a good way to begin. Remember that it�s our choices that-�
�Show who we are, not our abilities. Yes. I know. Sometimes I wish for one moment I�d never heard that line. I�m damn tired of always having to choose the right course.�
Harry saw the world surge around him and he closed his eyes. He definitely should not have had that last shot of whiskey. He suddenly felt very angry at having to defend his actions to the man who had told him to �try things out� and see how they went. He stood up and felt dizzy.
�Harry, sit down. Drink the rest of your tea. Clear your head. You�re in no position-�
�Actually, Remus, the only position I�m in is to not answer a million questions about Ginny bloody Weasley.�
�I never mentioned that Ginny was the cause-�
�Yeah, but you�re thinking it, you�re ALL thinking it. Oh Harry and Ginny, oh isn�t it cute? Oh yes, she�s always loved him don�t you know? And what about him? Oh well, he must love her, he saved her life when she was 11, isn�t that adorable? Isn�t it perfect, she�s the perfect girl for him, oh yes, all those Weasley�s, so proud... like another son he is to them...� Harry�s voice ran out and he moved towards the door. He felt as though he were choking.
�Harry!�
Harry turned around and looked at the concern in his old Professor�s eyes and he couldn�t bear it.
�Why won�t anyone let me just be? Why do I have to love Ginny just because she�s loved me? Why does it matter to people who I end up with? Maybe I�ll just spend the rest of my life alone, has anyone considered that? Has anyone considered I might like that? I�m choosing this! That�s what it�s about right? Choices? Well I choose not to love Ginny Weasley and her whole bloody family.�
�Harry,� Remus spoke his name, softly. �Let me tell you a few things you might not know... some things that might make you think differently about choices and being alone. Would you give me that benefit, before you go storming out into the night furious about being misunderstood?�
The slight note of humor in Lupin�s voice made Harry stop and he saw that his old friend had a brief smile on his face, which was better than seeing pity and worry. Harry nodded and sat back down on the sofa.
Remus refilled his tea and then sat back down as well. He stared at Harry for a moment and then began.
�I�m going to say right here and now Harry that I don�t think anyone who cares about you is forcing Ginny Weasley on you. Now-� Remus paused, when Harry stirred, �before you get riled up and indignant at me, hear me out.�
When Harry nodded his head and took another drink of his tea, Lupin continued.
�It�s true, some people see a connection between the two of you, and Dumbledore himself told you about life-debts. How saving a person created a bond between them. And it�s true that throughout your time at Hogwarts you and Ginny had many opportunities to save each other�s lives. More so you, than her, admittedly, but Dumbledore always believed Ginny�s talent manifested itself so strongly and so suddenly because of her deep feelings for you.�
�Ginny became a seer to save me?�
�Yes and no. While on one hand, the gift was always within her. On the other hand, her desire to save you motivated her to understand what was going on inside her. Instead of choosing to react with fear and denial, Ginny chose instead to act immediately- to understand the visions she was seeing. It was her openness and acceptance of her gift that saved you. There are some seers that deny their true calling because it frightens them, they don�t understand what is happening to them and they block out most of what they see. I�m sure you can understand that need?�
Harry considered his own past and his own denial of certain dreams and visions that he had had and nodded his head.
�Ginny instead accepted the challenge that being a seer will be to her. Ginny is a young woman who does not strike me as a sort that will be happy predicting the weather or whether or not Ireland stands a chance at winning the World Cup. She is not the type to become lazy with her talent nor is she interested in parlor tricks. Ginny will face things in a headstrong manner because she is a headstrong person, much like yourself. She has chosen to be different from the rest of us and that is a difficult choice to make, and she did it because of you.�
�So I�m supposed to be grateful?�
Remus held up his hand. �I�m not finished. And yes, I know, you never asked Ginny to do this. Just like I know you never asked anyone to die for you. And I know you never asked people to love you. But the reality is Harry is that these things have happened. You cannot change the past. Ginny, for whatever reason, has feelings for you. You can�t wish them away nor expect them to disappear. Another thing about choice is that the heart wants what it wants, Harry. Right now, after everything that has happened, your heart is telling you to be alone. So be it. But you cannot expect people to stop caring about you. You can live your life alone, barricaded against life and love and everything you fought for in that room with Voldemort, but you can�t expect other people to agree with that or even, to understand it.�
�I�ve lived my life alone for the most part. Not by choice, but out of necessity. My... affliction being what it is, it is hard for me to have close relationships. When Sirius was gone I felt that more deeply than I had ever done before. It is fortunate that I had the oncoming battle with Voldemort to look forward to, or otherwise I may have gone crazy with loneliness. I�m not going to lecture you Harry, but being alone isn�t all it�s cracked up to be. If you have it within your luck to be with someone who cares about you as much as Ginny appears to, then I say, you fight tooth and nail to make it work. But, if for some reason, you don�t feel anything for her, then you go out there and find someone who does make you feel something. You fight to connect with someone, because otherwise you�ll just regret the wasted time, in the end.�
Harry felt sobered after Lupin finished talking and he let the man�s words sink in. Some part of his brain knew they made sense but another part still felt indignant. Harry reckoned it was that part that was still under the influence of the Firewhiskey.
Harry closed his eyes, he suddenly felt absolutely exhausted.
�Why don�t you sleep on the sofa tonight Harry and think about things? You look beat.�
Harry nodded and lay back onto the cushions. A moment later he felt something soft and warm being thrown over him. He felt as though he had just battled it out with two rogue Bludgers and a Quaffle. Already the blackness of sleep was pulling him down.
Remus let his hand linger over Harry�s head, wanting to ruffle the younger man�s hair, but pulled away at the last moment. With a sigh he picked up the cold teacup and blew out the candles around the room. He hoped he had done the right thing tonight. The image of James suddenly appeared in his head and he smiled to himself. With his mind full of old friends and old memories, Remus left Harry alone, to sleep away his demons.